I don't fit in.
Welcome to the club.
And I'll tell you straight off the bat, however you feel right now: however awkward, however outside the circle, however misunderstood, you have two choices.
Choice 1:
Your first choice is to live your life trying to fit in.
You will achieve this to some degree.
You can act the same as others and be accepted into “the group”.
You can wear the same clothes as the majority of other people.
You can listen to the same music, even though you don't like it much.
You can eat similar takeaway food, hang out at the same malls, take up the same hobby – and then change hobby when something new comes into trend.
You can choose to hold the same opinions, follow the same politics, unquestionably.
You can treat other people in the same way.
You can follow the same life route: go to school, go to college, go to university, get a job, buy a car, get a mortgage on a house, save a pension, get married, have kids, take a holiday abroad each year… retire.
Choice 2:
Your second choice is to be yourself: to embrace who you are and to accept that you don't fit in, to accept that you are unique and that it's a blessing.
And here's the thing…
There are so many others out there like you, but they chose the first choice, so you'd never know. They suffer in silence.
The question is…
Is the suffering of the first choice, which is being trapped inside a life that doesn't fit, worse than the second choice, which is always feeling different and never quite understanding why the majority do what they do, make the decisions they make, act the way they act, and follow along in a seemingly robotic manner?
The Good News
The good news is that you typed this question into a search engine on the Internet and discovered this article.
This means that you already understand that Planet Earth doesn't seem like a place where you fit in.
This is good because it means you won't spend the next 20 years wondering why you don't feel quite right, why you're struggling to adapt, why for most of your life you feel like a fly on the wall observing the world go by and trying to make sense of it all.
Following the crowd is the easy way out, but long-term it's a bad decision. It will never bring you contentment.
If you spend your life trying to fit in, then you are just floating along in the stream. You have no control over your life and its direction. You will be carried along like a piece of debris.
For some people, fitting in is something that makes them happy. They are happy to adopt the majority view, the majority trend, the majority culture.
That's great for them, but if it doesn't make you feel comfortable in your own skin, then you shouldn't do it.
Be uncommon. Be different. Be unique.
But don't be different just to be different; do it because it's what you genuinely feel.
When you agree with them, agree. When you like what they're doing, do it. But when you feel your intuition pulling in another direction, make sure you pay attention.
Expect Resistance
It's easier for your parents, your teachers, your friends, your bosses, and the powers that be if you just fit in and follow along.
People who ask too many questions, who don't simply accept the status quo, who want to evolve and make the world a better place can be an annoyance to those who simply want to follow along and have a quiet life.
You will make things hard work for others. You will make them question themselves.
Following along is less risky. It comes with a number of guarantees. But most of these guarantees are materialistic and are of little concern to Mother Nature, or your spirit.
Going your own way could mean ridicule at times, being gossiped about, ending up frustrated, broke, alone. But the price of not trying is far greater, believe me.
Follow your dreams, ideas and ambitions. Never let them steal the child in your heart.
But don't isolate yourself.
You can be the uncommon one amongst the common crowd, and remain sociable, likable, compassionate, kind, and loving.
They may reject you at first, but only because they are yet to understand who you are; because you aren't like them.
And eventually they will look up to you, appreciate you, and even become like you.
Do it your way. It's the only way.
Upon your deathbed, you won't ask yourself; “Did I fit in?” but rather; “Did I give it my best shot?”
John Watson says
Hi Alfred,
When I’ve been feeling particularly “down” from the realisation that I rarely fit in, I’ve done a casual search on the Web and, unsurprisingly, have found bits and pieces that sort of helped my short-term thinking but then fizzled just as quickly.
I’m going through another “episode” right now. For some reason I’d never searched using the words, or similar, “I don’t fit in”. So I never found your blog, until today. On what I’ve seen so far I think your words are going to be helpful to me. I’ll be 62 this year and the truth is I’ve always felt like a misfit. People have been telling me this since I first went to school aged 5. As you’ll appreciate, they haven’t told me directly. It’s been by their observations or actions.
There have been many instances of this but one memorable one was when a friend at school (at least I though he was a friend at the time) told me I should go and find a friend elsewhere. Today I have friends and a couple of good ones, but they fit in (or at least appear to) with mainstream society whereas, despite endless attempts, I struggle and usually end up feeling as I do today, i.e. a failure because I can’t fit in no matter how hard I try. But then I read your helpful words about choices 1 or 2. I need to pursue choice 2 but have never really worked out how I can do that without feeling cut off and lonely, missing out on what others enjoy seemingly with little or no effort.
I’m hoping your words will help me to go with option 2. Thank you for what you’re doing.
Alfred James says
Hi John,
I’m glad you finally stumbled across this article.
I don’t think you should try to fit in, but I also don’t think you will end up lonely and cut off if you do that. You probably don’t realize it but I’m sure your friends love you because you have unique qualities. As I point out in the post, these friends most likely look up to you, appreciate you, and over the years have probably even become more like you. I’m sure if you had this conversation with them they’d tell you that. And it’s better to have a few good friends you really connect with – who understand you – than loads of associates who don’t value the real you.
The fact you’ve not felt comfortable fitting in your entire life means you have a greater purpose than doing just that. I’m guessing you still have a lot to offer others in terms of knowledge and guidance and you should put your energy into that. So many people feel the same. So many people want to break through conformity in some way and be accepted for doing so, but don’t have the courage. Maybe you can find a role in the community to inspire such people. I think you might just find your niche there.
I wish you all the best.
Matt David says
Thank you so much for this article. This is my life story. I never fit in. I question things and people get upset. I don’t believe in the status quo either. I desire to grow in love and to make the world a better place when everyone else just wants the world to get back to normal.
It is a great feeling to just be me. But it can get really lonely.
Alfred James says
Glad you found it helpful, Matt. Keep following your intuition. The world needs people who challenge the status quo, now more than ever.
Abigail W says
Gosh, what a great topic. I thought I was nearly the only one…
As someone over 50 and single, I became very aware of what is popular now. I saw people describing themselves on dating sites as “fun”. The word, “fun” is used over and over, but it seems to designate one of two things, drinking alcohol or having casual sex. It’s like some requirement.
If you tell someone on a dating site that you like astronomy or history or geology, they won’t talk to you. So I read what’s popular. Golfing, drinking, gambling, a boat, more drinking, fast food, movies. How can people even relate to anyone on that level?
Maybe I’m too intense for them.
I just want to know as much as I can, while I am here. I’m not a snob, but most people bore me.
Alfred James says
I think a lot of people are in the same boat. They are afraid to say they are into something left field, particularly if “society” attaches a certain stereotype to it. It’s much easier just to say “socialising” or “movies”.
Wildwelshflossie says
Ooh, the word ‘intense’ resonates. My new puppy is massively intense and everyone will spend a short amount of time with him, but then walk away. He’s so inquisitive, friendly and energetic, he saps the energy from everyone around him. My cat, on the other hand, absolutely goes with the flow. Everyone loves the cat and wants to spend as much time with him as he’ll allow, before he saunters off. I wonder whether those who eagerly look for company have a tendency to push others away due to their exhausting enthusiasm, whereas others who couldn’t really care less but are nice to those they meet, draw others towards them?
Abigail W says
Good insight. I think a lot of people are looking to fill an agenda. Someone to give them money, attention, etc. But not so much for relationships. I’d say most people do not seek out relationships or anything heavy with regular social encounters. So maybe the people who are like cats don’t present with needs. If people think you are looking for relationships or anything long term, they fly away. Probably because most people already have what they want.
Abigail W says
I agree that it’s lonely, but the alternative is to have to act around others and adopt their likes and ways.
I can’t do that, I did it when I was younger, and now, I wish I had that time back. Funny thing is, those people ended up getting exactly what they wanted in life and are happy.
Alfred James says
Those younger years are all part of the learning journey; they are not wasted. There’s still a long way to go 🙂 It’s great that you know yourself and feel comfortable being who you are now. You still have many years to enjoy being you. Maybe those people you grew up with seem happiness and perhaps they are in their own ways, but I’m sure like so many others there are things they wish they’d done or had the courage to do now. People tend to accept and settle into wherever they end up at around 40-50 years old. But actually that’s when the majority of us begin to truly find ourselves.
Abigail W says
But it’s too late then. Most people, I’d say 95% are paired up. Single people are an anomaly after 50, unless their partner dies.
So all of the people saying they didn’t want to “lose my freedom” or “be tied down” actually hooked up with others, after all.
I never took that seriously, because I heard it a lot on dating sites, where someone hadn’t met me or even saw a photo of me. But I always wonder how the women get the men to get into a relationship with them, when they clearly state they do not want one.
Christopher says
I like this. Thanks for posting.
Alfred James says
You’re welcome.
Georgieanna says
Are people who don’t fit in considered to have a “Social Disorder”?
Alfred James says
Perhaps some might try to put you in that box, but that’s probably because they don’t understand you. Some people just aren’t into the same things as everyone else. For some, not all social norms feel normal. Some of think, act and view the world differently. Embrace being unique 🙂
S says
This is just what I needed to read right now !!!
I’m ok with not fitting in,
but it can sometimes be rough in a world that misunderstands and judges.
I feel resentful.
And it’s hard to find situations that feel right for me.
S says
I am commenting again.
Thank you for this site.
I felt confirmed and relieved, as I am set on being just me.
I also related to other people’s posts.
Alfred James says
Hey, I’m glad you found the posts and they made you feel better. Keep being you! Have a great day.
S says
Thanks !
I hope yours are nice too.